Presence
Seriously. I struggle to focus. My mind is always thinking forward. I start 10 tasks; a walking series of begun-things. I tend to feel like I’m always on the clock, as if time will run out before I can get anything done… which is why I start a million things, convincing myself starting feels better than missing out altogether. Only… the accumulated pile of incomplete tasks and unrealised dreams, ideas and new interests does hideous things to my nervous system. When it gets really bad I’m non-committal, or I flake, or I hide altogether. My memory is horrible. I am completely tapped out, and un-present.
This is my special flavour of anxiety, and how it presents itself. Maybe you relate. Maybe not.
I was previously quite convinced I had ADHD (undiagnosed, so who knows) But after two years of pretty solid exercise, Yoga, and nutritional adjustments to manage suspected IBS symptoms, I’m pretty sure my hormones and gut biome had just been a dumpster fire from not eating enough calories, plus dehydration and lack of sleep. Also, y’know… trying to keep up with the grind.
Regardless, managing anxiety is a part of my daily life. But I’ve got way better at it now that my body isn’t rioting for my attention. The penny dropped pretty recently; this is not necessarily just a symptom of this stage of my life (the Young Kids stage), it’s not something I just need to get through. This is something I need to action. Giving my body food and exercise is just one side of the coin — my mind needs it too. Even as a Yoga teacher, I’m prone to forgetting this requires constant effort and self-awareness. In Yoga, we call this abhyasa; practice and effort to become established in discipline and Self.
Spoiler: I’m horribly undisciplined in times of busyness and anxious turmoil. No surprises there — who isn’t?! But recently I’ve found myself intentionally redirecting my attention each time I notice I’ve skipped ahead to the next task, shift, meal, activity, or commitment. I tell myself (and my kids!), “One thing at a time.”
To push through the discomfort of my anxiety, so that I can maintain discipline, my morning (or practice) looks like this;
5.30am* - Wake up, wash face, do a wee, boil the tea (it kind of rhymes) then 5 minutes of breathwork (I use nadi shodhana)
5.40am - Drink a tea, and journal. Brain dump; all my dreams, ideas, thoughts, wants, distractions, then a rough plan for the day and To Dos — get it out, in no particular order and it don’t gotta be pretty. It’s vomit, essentially.
5.50am - Yoga or gym. As a bare minimum I’ll meditate for 10mins to clear the slate again after journalling.7am - Kids are usually up by this time, so it’s time to shower, then breakfast & a coffee (having coffee with food, NOT on an empty stomach = GAME CHANGER!)
By this time, I feel like my day is ‘done’. I’m self-aware and alert enough to manage most things. It’s better than my previous method of rolling out of bed after being jumped on by two small children, (attempting) to manage everything as it comes without a chance to focus my energy. As someone who takes on too many things at once, turns out making it up as I go along is a bad idea. Chaos ensues. Instead, tiny little chunks of focus and fulfilment to start the day.
And the focus isn’t to get everything done, to be perfect and rigid — it’s to cultivate the discipline to try, and to continue. I do not equate discipline with beating myself up and controlling my every move to the nth degree (been there, done that) As a basic rule, I try to make sure I don’t miss more than two consecutive days at a time. And then… it works. Suddenly I’m doing “one thing at a time”, like a freakin’ person or something.
* I know 5.30 am seems like an obscene time to wake up every day, but it’s SO important to have time to myself before the kids are up, when all systems are go. I make sure I balance this out with bedtime by 10pm MAX. Mummy needs 8-10 hours sleep, don’t @ me.
If any of this sticks or feels relevant to you and your stage of life, take time to reflect on what an ideal day would look like for you; finding balance and a sustainable pace. Remember, tiny little chunks. And one thing at a time.
Presence!
NOTE: Setting a morning routine won’t ‘cure’ mental illness, and I am not suggesting it will — because toxic positivity and bypassing are GROSS, watch out for anyone who claims this. If your mental health feels unmanageable at any point, it’s important to seek help. If you can’t focus, can’t get your head above water, or feel unheard and undervalued, consider professional support. I’ve done it! Many times. In the meantime, you can call any of these helplines;
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
MindSpot 1800 61 44 34
Lifeline 13 11 14
Griefline 1300 845 745